Unforgotten

I haven't forgotten you, my faithful readers.

My brain has been going in several directions at once, which is a bit dizzying, so I don't really have a coherent post to share as yet.

In the meantime, there are three scriptures that I have in my face on a daily basis (because I've taped them to my computer monitor). I'm endeavoring to hold onto them and somehow get them to gap the Great Divide between my head and my heart.

They are:

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Isaiah 62:4 - Never again will you be called "The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land." Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight" and "The Bride of God" for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

Habbakuk 2:3 - For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.


Do you have any scriptures on which you are focusing in the hope that they will become alive to your heart? If so, what are they?

Random Thoughts

It has been said that nature abhors a vacume. It seems to me that the spiritual life operates similarly - we will worship something, if only ourselves.

What vacume is showing up in your life?
What are you filling it with?


I had an interesting discussion with someone today. During the course of that conversation I found myself saying, "I can be the bad guy. I don't like it but I'll do it if I have to." I've done it often enough... If I'm honest I'll admit that it's disheartening to still find myself in places where I have to say that. It's not who I want to be.

What is it saying when a woman has to "man up" and be strong?


Even though several months have passed since recognizing that I have had a passive death wish since I was a really little girl, which consistently whispered to my heart that life isn't worth living, there are times when it's still a huge struggle. I so often feel like a hypocrite. Embracing life feels like such a lie sometimes. Who do I think I am to want these things, much less actually try to experience them? Better to just give up. I'm not "that" girl...never have been.

When does it become real?


I've worked for a Christian organization for 20 years. There's a question that has recently been showing up for me...

What happens to the Kingdom when Kingdom business becomes a business?

Oh...

I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. (Foreigner)

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

For the last few months I've been asking God to cause me to delight in Him.

You see, I forgot what it's like. I forgot what it felt like to deeply delight in something or someone. I've had brief moments, lightning quick, of delight but nothing that felt truly life-giving or sustainable.

I think I know the desires of my heart, but there's been doubt there, too.

And I've been so tired.

My inner land has felt so desolate.

I have seen myself as barren.

Hollow...

Empty...

Forgotten...

But I didn't really know those things were the underpinnings of my heart's life. A couple of conversations helped me do more than intellectually acknowledge the condition of my heart.

Ideationally, I got it. I have theoretically understood love and, by extension, delight. Otherwise, I genuinely saw and knew, deeply knew, that I had forgotten delight. I couldn't recognize the experience of love, and of being loved.

Instead of trying to make myself remember, which would be my wont, I took it to God.

"Please, God, cause me to delight in You. I can't, unless You do this. I don't have it in me. I don't know how. I can't even fake it. So, God, please cause me to delight in You."

I haven't noticed a difference but others have.

"Your countenance is lighter."

"Makeup covers a multitude of ills..."

"Makeup can't make you smile more."

"Oh..."

But I have still felt barren. And desolate. And forgotten.

And I've been crying. A lot...

So I started asking God to make Isaiah 62:4 true for me. I need it actualized. More than intellectually seen and known to be true and more than some sort of transitory feeling, I want and need it made experientially real.

Because, you see, I am keenly aware that being deeply loved is something with which I have little experiential reality. I haven't known what it's really like.

This past weekend was Easter. I drove to Austin to spend the weekend with the people who, somehow, have become my True Family.

I noticed something over the weekend...

I felt warmth.

Noticed...

Wanted...

Welcomed...

Received...

Embraced...

Not for anything I could do, but for just being.

For just being...me...

Never again will you be called The Forsaken or The Desolate. Your new name will be God's Delight and The Bride of God, for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as His Bride. (Isaiah 62:4)

I felt loved.

Underneath that, delight...

Delight in God and His creation...

Oh.

So this is what it's like.

Beloved

Every time I hear this song I break out into tears, with breath stealing sobs. I'm not quite sure what's up with that...

What stirs in you?